


we lived happily during the war

by lookingoodsugar



Category: T@gged (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, F/F, F/M, M/M, mention of suicide, muggle born hate, wlw/mlm solidarity we love to see it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:08:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23613553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lookingoodsugar/pseuds/lookingoodsugar
Summary: when the wizarding world is threatened by the rise of a powerful dark mage, enemies will have no choice but to forgive past wrongs and reconquer old friendships.title from ilya kaminsky's poem 'we lived happily during the war'
Relationships: Elisia Brown/Ash Franklin, Rowan Fricks/Nicki Sullivan, Trevor Askill/Brandon Darrow
Kudos: 7





	1. i can't believe childhood is over

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sangstopatronum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sangstopatronum/gifts).



Rowan Fricks felt outside of her body. She looked around her at the crowd. The delicately closed looks of returning students who were not fazed by the swarming on the quay. The fingers of caring mothers sweeping tears off the cheeks of first years. The teethy and crooked smiles of friends hugging. She watched her sister tightly embrace a girl with blue hair, the tattoo on her arm shifting under the light as her muscles stretched. She watched her mother exchange a look with another man. Rowan cocked her head. Did she belong here? Had there been an error in mailing and she did not deserve a letter? Maybe only Brie and her mom were supposed to be witches. She just felt so out of place, with her cheap haircut and Brie’s old robes. 

Her eyes caught a blonde girl in muggle clothes. She was sat on her suitcase, her pink sweater wrapped around her shoulders. She looked about Rowan’s age. The girl sighed before looking around. Rowan held her stare, waiting for the girl to see her but she stopped her sweeping of the station at a young boy with curly hair. Rowan felt strange looking at the girl looking at the boy. It was like looking at her mom, sometimes. Her father put a hand on her shoulder and she looked up. 

‘You’re up, buttercup,’ he said, taking her small suitcase off the trolley.

She smiled shyly and clutched the handle of the cauldron carrying her books. 

‘It’s going to be okay,’ her father reassured. ‘Brie survived, you will too. I don’t know anything about magic school, but if you need anything, ask Brie. Or Mom. If it’s not magic related, ask your old dad.’

Rowan nudged him with her elbow.

‘I know. You don’t have to act like I’m scared when you are. It’s just school.’

Her father laughed and ruffled her hair. 

‘I’m going to miss my girls, now that you’re both away.’

‘You still have Mom,’ Rowan objected.

She looked at her mom, how similar she and Brie were. Her mom was still looking at someone farther down the quay. _Maybe not_ , she thought.

‘Go on,’ her father nudged, ‘I’m sure Brie will let you sit with her.’

Rowan shook her hand. She had heard two girls on the quay say that the train journey was the first place you had to make friends at. She sure as hell wasn’t wasting eight hours on a train being in her sister’s shadow. No, she’d sit in a compartment with other first years and bond over their expectations of Hogwarts. 

She parted with her family, giving them a last goodbye from the train window before making her way down the aisle. 

She eventually came across an empty compartment and figured, if she couldn’t find any first years, they would find her. As she struggled on the tip of her toes to store her suitcase above the couch, the door slid open.

‘Do you need help?’

She turned to look at the boy who had just spoken. He was plump, with brown hair and a cheerful face.

‘We’re the same height,’ Rowan objected, though she did believe he was probably shorter.

The boy laughed.

‘I could carry you?’

Rowan smiled back.

‘It’s fine,’ she said, climbing on the couch. ‘Here give me yours.’

He complied and she read his name from the tag. Dunbar Rakes.

‘They have no sympathy for short people,’ he joked. ‘Aren’t they aware they transport literal children every year?’

Rowan laughed as the train started moving. She felt she would be good friends with Dunbar. She noticed the blonde girl from earlier looking hesitantly down the aisle.

‘Hey,’ she called out, ‘wanna join?’

The girl smiled and nodded. 

‘I’m Rowan, what’s your name?’

‘Hailey,’ the girl said shyly.

Dunbar extended a hand to shake as he introduced himself.

‘You’re not wearing your robes,’ he noticed.

‘Should I be?’ Hailey asked, her brows knotting.

‘Yeah, everyone has to be dressed before we reach Hogwarts.’

‘Oh, I didn’t know.’

‘You’re muggle born, aren’t you?’ Rowan asked.

Hailey nodded.

‘My dad is a muggle, too. My sister went to Hogwarts, she told me a few stuff.’

‘No one told me anything. I feel pretty lost,’ Hailey admitted.

‘Don’t worry,’ Rowan reassured her, ‘we can stick together.’

The girls smiled. 

‘Me too?’ Dunbar asked.

‘Of course! I mean, hopefully, if we don’t get sorted into different houses,’ Rowan said. 

‘We can still be friends even if we’re in different houses, can’t we?’ Hailey asked nervously.

‘Yeah, you’re not getting rid of us so easily,’ Dunbar joked.

When the train finally came to a halt after eight long hours of getting to know each other, they followed the gamekeeper, a giant man with crazy grey hair, to the lake where boats were to lead them to the castle. Rowan tried to bite her smile at the sight of the illuminated castle but found she couldn’t. It was truly _magical_.

She felt tiny inside the massive halls of the school, the shadow of the crowd of first years casting on the wall intricate shapes of pointy hats and nervous kids. Rowan looked up, _and up, and up_ , at the enormous doors to the Great Hall. A blonde woman with a dark and elegant robe stopped them before the doors and introduced herself as Professor Dawson, the head of the Hufflepuff house. 

'You will now be sorted into your houses. They are Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin. Now, while you are here, your house will be like your family. Your triumphs will earn you house points. Any rule-breaking, and you will lose points. At the end of the year, the house with the most points is awarded the house cup. The sorting ceremony will begin shortly.'

As the woman disappeared, a girl stepped out. She looked at Rowan up and down before sighing.

'You must be a Fricks. You look just like your sister. And your mother,' she smiled viciously before taking a step back. 'Everyone know who Hannah Fricks is, right? Then you should know that some wizarding families are better than others. Don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort, would you.'

'Nicki!' a girl with purple hair interjected. 'Shut up!'

Nicki gave another disdainful look at Rowan before walking away. Apparently enemies are also to be made on the first day here. Rowan sniffled back tears as Hailey took her hand.

'What does she mean?'

'She's a pureblood. She hates my mom because she married a Muggle. And other stuff. It's fine, I don't care what she thinks. No one's cared about blood since Voldemort.'

Dunbar punched her shoulder.

'Shhh, don't say his name.'

'He's dead, it doesn't matter,' Rowan replied. 

Hailey looked at them quizically. 'I'll explain later,' mouthed Rowan as Dawson came back.

The doors opened on a candlelit dining hall, with tables filled with chatting students and a ceiling lost in the clouds. At the center of the rows, there was a stool with a hat on it. Rowan's stomach twisted and she gripped Hailey's hand harder. 

'When I call your name,' Dawson said, 'you will come forth, I shall place the sorting hat on your head, and you will be sorted into your houses.'

Rowan watched anxiously the kids line up, noting every detail she noticed. Grounding herself to the moment. The way the boy named Brandon twisted and untwisted his hands as he was sorted into Slytherin. The way the light shined on Tessa's purple hair as she moved toward the Ravenclaw table. The freckled boy's smile as the Hat made a pun on his name and the Hufflepuff house. 

'Rowan Fricks.'

She made her way hesitantly to the stool, acutely aware that everyone was staring at her. She heard whispers of her mother, trying desperately to find Brie in the crowd.

'I know just where to put you, Gryffindor!' yelled the Hat. 

The Gryffindor table roared and welcomed her. She smiled at Hailey as the other girl made her way to the stool. 

The Gryffindor prefect introduced himself as Jake Brown and clasped a hand on Rowan's shoulder, welcoming her to the house.

'Gryffindor', the Hat yelled again.

Rowan let out a laugh and opened her arms to welcome her friend.

'Slytherin like your cousin? No, you, you're a Hufflepuff', the Hat thundered as Dunbar stood up, his eyes fixed wide on the two girls.

Rowan flashed him a reassuring thumbs-up. They would still be friends, wouldn't they?


	2. *blows a kiss to sestra* this is for the hufflepuffs *punches trevor* and that's for being stupid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning for bullying and mention of suicide

Rowan awoke with a shaky breath. Sunlight was pouring in the empty Gryffindor dorm room. No one had woke her up from her nightmare because there was no one around. She sighed and got up. Today was her last day of Year Six and consequently, Jake's last day at Hogwarts. Ever. She couldn't be late for breakfast. 

Rowan looked at her reflection on her bedside mirror. Aren't people supposed to glow up between Year One and Year Six? Was she just doomed to look like her eleven-years-old self all her life? She poked her cheek and sighed. She grabbed the red and gold tie when Hailey walked in.

'Hey,' Rowan called.

Hailey nodded politely, gestured at one of her books and disappeared without a word. Rowan sighed and grabbed her robe. She should have stopped hoping for things to go back to the way they were a long time ago.

The Great Hall swarmed with buzzing students. Nothing got people more enthralled than last days. Rowan slid into the Hufflepuff table pew and knocked on the wood to grab her friend Elisia's attention.

'Hey.'

'Hey,' the other girl replied, 'how d'you sleep?'

'I dreamt about it again.'

Elisia gave her a sad look. She waved at Ash as he made his way toward them.

'I know,' she said to Rowan, 'it never goes away, does it?'

Ash slid next to Elisia and kissed her gently. 

'Where's Jake?' he asked, looking around.

'Head Boy duty, he'll be around soon.'

They started eating and soon enough, Jake joined them. 

'You know, Rowan,' the Gryffindor said with a mouthful, 'you'll need new friends in Gryffindor when I leave.'

'I don't think I do,' she objected. 'I have Elisia and Ash, I don't need anyone.'

'What about Hailey?' He replied and grimaced as Elisia kicked him under the table.

'Oh, excuse me, you think I should try to be friends with the girl who dumped me when I needed her the most and became friends with the girl who bullied me on the first day here, all just so she could hang out with the guy she's had a crush on since forever? No way, José.'

Jake sighed.

'When you put it that way...'

Rowan craned her neck to see the Slytherin table where Nicki, Brandon, Sean, and Hailey were eating breakfast. Hailey and Sean were holding hands under the table _. Surely, that can't be practical _ , Rowan thought. Brandon locked eyes with her and she turned away. Somehow, she'd lost her ability to look at people without being noticed. 

'It's stupid,' Jake said, this time scooting away from Elisia's foot, 'Why'd she hang with Nicki to hang out with Sean, he's literally in Gryffindor with us.'

'Yeah, well, I don't know. I'd ask her but she doesn't talk to me,' Rowan concluded, angrily spreading jam on her scone. 

'Hey, Rowan,' a voice called loudly over the chatter. She looked around to see Brandon jogging toward their table. 'I need your mom's help to pass the NEWTs—'

'No,' Rowan said, standing up. 

Brandon didn't seem to stop. She pointed at him, backing away. 'No.'

'Oh, come on. I bet she wouldn't mind,' Brandon called, making everyone's heads spin toward them. Jake and her friends stood up as well to block his path.

'Fuck you,' Rowan said before pushing open the doors of the Great Hall. 

Suddenly, something cold and wet splashed on her. She opened her eyes to find her hands and robe covered in something red. She stared dumbfoundedly at her hands, shaking. Blood? A boy caught her eyes, she thought for a second... But he was slimmer, taller. 

'Hey, Rowan,' the boy called and she recognized Trevor, a Ravenclaw. 'What's it like to be so ugly that someone would kill themselves rather than be around you?'

Rowan spun around slowly, looking for backup. Her eyes met Hailey's before the blonde girl looked down. Everyone else was still looking at her and her soaked clothes and hair. Brandon backed away from Jake and Ash as Trevor passed by him and high fived him. Rowan made a run for the bathroom. She couldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing her cry. 

Staring absently at the red water flowing down the sink, she barely noticed someone else walking in. 

'Here,' Hailey said, holding a towel. 

Rowan held her stare a few seconds before snatching the towel away.

'I'm sorry, I tried to talk them out. Trevor wants to be our friend so bad, he does stupid shit to catch Brandon's attention.'

Rowan ducked her head under the water to wash whatever Trevor put in her hair without replying. She was furious that even at age sixteen boys were so dumb as to try to catch anyone’s attention by bullying others.

'Why do you let them humiliate you?'

'I don't know,' Rowan replied with a sigh, 'I assumed if I ignored them, they'd go away.'

'Rowan, we both know that doesn't even work in Muggle schools.'

Rowan let out a laugh. Despite his best attempts, her father truly didn't know a single thing about wizarding school.

'You have to stand up for yourself.'

'How?'

'Don't tell anyone I told you but, last year, Brandon got so drunk he peed his pants.'

'What? For real?'

'Yeah, it was... weird to see. Nicki keeps teasing him and every time he curses her. Last week it made her throw up toads. It was gross,' Hailey said, scrunching up her nose but nevertheless delighted. As all teen should be. 

'Why are you friends with them?' Rowan finally asked.

'We look out for each other.'

'Oh, do you?' Rowan replied sourly, 'I don't remember Nicki being soft on muggle-borns.'

'She's not like that anymore. Her family put stuff in her head, she's not like them. She cares about us, me and Brandon, she stands up for us.'

'Wish you'd stood up for me when I needed you.'

Hailey ducked her head. 

'I know. I'm sorry.'

Rowan felt like crying but she knew if she started she might never stop.

'I have to go,' she just said. 'See you in class.'

Rowan picked up her stuff and made her way to the door.

'Thanks,' she said after a pause, 'For the towel. Get less shitty friends, Jensen.'

Hailey laughed. 'Hidden depths, Fricks. Very hidden.'

Rowan met up with Elisia and Ash in front of the Potions classroom. They had since changed into their house colors and Elisia was clutching an ice pack.

'What happened to you?'

Elisia shook her head, the ice pack vanishing into the air.

'Oh, you know, I punched Trevor Askill in the face. Avenged your honor or something.'

'Elisia!' Rowan babbled. 'Wh... That's my job to be the mother hen. Aren't Hufflepuffs supposed to be kind?'

The girl laughed. 

'He had it coming anyway. And Hufflepuffs can be tough. Ash and I are Tough Hufflepuffs.'

Rowan snorted. 

'Ash is the softest man I know.'

'Have you met Hawk?' Ash interjected. 

'True, true. Second softest.'

Elisia bombed her chest.

'And that's why we won the house cup. Best house ever.'

She held up her knuckles for Ash before remembering her injury and wincing.

'Never said we were smart,' she replied to Rowan's snicker. 

* * *

If anyone asked, Rowan was  _ not _ avoiding her friends on the last day. It wasn't running away from feelings, it was a  _ tactical retreat _ . Jake and Elisia deserved some time alone probably, part ways before Jake went to Auror training camp. Cousins bonds were stronger than whatever bond Rowan and Jake had. She could disappear for a few hours, right?

She found herself taking the shortcut from the Gryffindor common room to the Library, letting her feet carry her. At first, she thought she was going to the Library, but in the middle of the fourth-floor corridor, she realised that probably everyone that wanted to be alone right now was going to be there.

She stopped as a group of Second Years Slytherin passed by her. They were talking vividly about a prank they planned to pull on the graduating Slytherins. The prank Brandon and Trevor had pulled on her this morning had long been forgotten. She sighed, the weight of her feelings heavy on her shoulders. She always hated last days. She hated the bittersweet ache leaving gave her. She hated that she was sad and she couldn't fix it. 

She ended up wandering in a disused classroom, mostly because she felt like she was going to cry and she didn't want anyone to see. The lights were dimmed, the blinds closed. An eerie atmosphere floated around. The room was dusty but footsteps created a path leading to a hidden corner of the room. Intrigued, Rowan stepped closer. 

A large mirror stood, reflecting a ray of sunlight that pierced through the blinds. Rowan's reflection frowned back at her in the mirror as she brushed gently a finger against the tainted glass. The mirror's ornate frame read ' _ Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi'.  _ Probably a dead language, Rowan thought. That mirror must have been there for ages. 

Rowan's heart skipped a bit when she noticed someone behind her reflection. She spun around but there was no one. The room was empty and silent except for her heavy breathing. She turned back to the mirror, arranging a stray of hair that had fallen on her lips. But there he was. In the reflection.

'Dunbar...' she whispered, her voice failing her.

He was taller, older than she had last seen him. Probably the age he would've been had he not died a few winters ago. Rowan could feel her pulse in her ears. She traced the boy outline on the mirror, half afraid he'd vanish like, well,  _ smoke and mirrors _ . 

'Hey, Rowan,' Dunbar's reflection said. 

Though she had not moved, her reflection turned to him and smiled. Rowan had not seen herself this happy in a long time. 

The quiet of the room broke for a second as someone stepped inside the room, bringing in noises from the corridor. The girl in the Slytherin robe froze as she locked eyes with Rowan. The Gryffindor was overcome with the urge to explain herself, tell Nicki why she was here, do  _ anything _ but standing there, mouth agape and tears in her eyes.

'What did you see?' The girl asked gently.

More gently than she expected from Nicki Sullivan. Rowan blinked, a tear rolling down her cheek. 

'I saw...', she started but her voice died down. 'I saw Dunbar.'

Nicki smiled gently. 

'I see him too, sometimes. Most times I see my family, before, you know, before... when we were happy.'

'How...'

'It's the mirror.' She pointed at the frame. 'It's called the mirror of Erised.'

Rowan frowned. 'You understand what it says?'

'It's simple, you have to read it backwards. " _ I show not your face but your heart's desire".  _ It got destroyed in the fire of the Room of Requirement during the Battle of Hogwarts and reappeared here. Apparently, it can't be destroyed. Even though it has a reputation for making people go insane.'

'And it's just... chilling here?'

Nicki shrugged. 'No one knows it's here.'

'Why do you come back if you know it can hurt you?'

'It shows me happy things. I need it.'

'How often do you come here?'

Nicki didn't answer, she just moved to the window. 

'You can see the Thestrals, can't you?' she asked, facing Rowan.

Rowan stepped away from the mirror.

'Yes,' she said hesitantly, 'freaked me the fuck out. You?'

Nicki nodded. 'I think everyone who was in that bathroom can. Sometimes, I still see the blood on the floor.'

'I stopped using it,' Rowan simply replied. 

She sat against a pillar, her robe brushing out the dust and making it twirl in the air. In the mirror, her reflection sat in between Hailey and Dunbar, happy and smug.

Nicki sat next to her, fidgeting with her wand. She conjured a small flower pot without a sound before pocketing her wand. The flower was small and purple and struck Rowan as very un-slytherin.

'We used to be childhood friends,' Nicki said, barely loud enough for Rowan to hear. 'His family and mine spent most summers together. I remember him running around, conjuring tiny flowers like these in our yard. Anywhere you plant them, they pop up all around, growing like vine.'

'I miss him terribly,’ Rowan murmured. ‘I wish I'd known how to be a better friend.'

'Me too,' Nicki confessed, 'I was so bad at being a friend when it mattered. For what it's worth, I'm sorry for what I've said to you during our first year. I was a bitch.'

Rowan smiled gently. It felt really strange to have hated her for years to finally forgive her on their last day of the year.

'What do you see?' Rowan asked, nudging at the mirror.

'Us, friends.'

'Do you think we could be?'

Nicki smiled at the reflection. 'I want to. Hey, write to me this summer, if you ever, you know, need anyone to talk to.'

Rowan smiled back. 'Are you sure your Slytherin friends won't be pissed?'

'Who? Brandon?'

'Him and Trevor. They fucking hate me.'

'They're boys. Boys are stupid.'

After a pause, Nicki asked: 'You know your mom slept with Trevor's dad, right? That's why his parents are getting a divorce and he hates you.'

'I didn't know... I live with my dad. Fuck.'

Rowan lolled her head back. She was so  _ tired _ of fixing her mom's shit. 

She found Trevor outside the Transfiguration corridor, bathing in sunlight in the Middle Courtyard. 

'Look what the cat dragged in,' the boy appraised her. 

'Hey,' she ignored the comment, 'I just found out about, you know, my mom and your dad. I'm sorry, I just...'

She sighed. Trevor looked at her before fidgeting with a lighter. Rowan climbed next to him on the window sill, drawing her knees to her chest.

'I'm so tired of it,' she confessed. 

Trevor closed the lighter.

'She hurt you too, uh?'

Rowan nodded but before she could add anything, Brandon came running from nowhere, almost toppling Trevor over. The Ravenclaw boy grabbed the Slytherin's shoulder in an attempt to balance himself.

'Eat shit, asshole,' he said, but smiling.

'What's up, T? Looking for help to pass your NEWTs?'

Rowan sighed before getting up.

'Yeah, okay,' she was angry before she even realised she was, 'maybe my mom slept with a teacher to get my sister passing grades for her NEWTs, and fucked up my whole family, and it sucked, and I had to choose between her and my dad, and I chose my dad because I can't even  _ look _ at her, but at least, the last time I peed my pants, I was still wearing diapers.'

She smiled gently at Brandon's long face as Trevor snickered so much he almost fell from the window sill. 

'Shut the fuck up, Trevor,' Brandon told him without tearing his eyes away from Rowan. Rowan vaguely remembered Nicki barfing toads and fished for her wand.

'Blow me,' Trevor replied with a smile.

Brandon finally looked away to smile back at him. 'You should be so lucky.'

He pushed himself off the wall and sulked away. Rowan felt both powerful and miserable. 


	3. you can have a little family trope, as a treat

The summer heat hung low on the sun-drenched garden. Rowan was lying on her back on the warm terrace, her feet dangling in the pool. She only opened her eyes when Brie sat next to her. She had gotten two roses tattooed under her collarbones after graduation. Under the afternoon sun, they looked like fiery eyes, bold and dangerous. She dipped her fingers in the pool and splashed Rowan before lying next to her sister, much to her discontent.

'Why can't I stay with you?' Rowan whined.

She knew the answer but still needed her sister to say it. She needed to know there was no other option.

'Because I'm going to Australia with Skye and Raven. It's just one month, you know, then you don't have to come back for Christmas and Dad will come back before you graduate.'

 _If he does_. Neither said it but it hung in the air like an ugly cloud. Rowan sighed.

'I can't believe it's going to be my last year. What happens next? I'm not ready to be an adult!'

Brie laughed.

'Not yet. But trust me, you will be. It's going to be the best year yet. It's also going to be the worst because I know you get sad about temporary things. Just try to enjoy it for as long as you can. Leave last day melancholia for the last day.'

Rowan propped herself on her elbows.

'Hey, now that I'm seventeen, can you teach me that spell to breathe underwater?'

Brie smiled. 'Of course,' she said, and pushed Rowan into the pool.

Hours later, as the sun was setting behind the mountains that surrounded the Fricks summer residence, Rowan was sitting on the patio, her wet hair thick on her back like a snake. She was sorting through the letters that her friends had sent her. Two from Elisia and Ash, spending their summer together in the South. One from Jake, straight from Auror training camp. One from Hailey, surprising. She hadn't opened it yet. One from Nicki. Surprising as well. She kept hovering hesitantly over the wax seal. Another letter fell from the pile. It must have been stuck between two others. She picked it up, shivering as her hair slid against her shoulder. She should really cut it.

She looked at the name written on the other side of the envelope and her eyebrows shot up. Trevor Askill had written her? She set it on the side and peered at it like it was a bomb. What were the chances that Trevor would send her actual mail? It was most definitely a prank, wasn't it? But why would he sign it? Aren't Ravenclaws supposed to be smart? Well, not that Trevor had shown any signs of a bright intelligence for the six years she'd known him. 

Brie eyed her over her sunglasses.

'What's up, buttercup?' she asked, setting down her book.

'Nothing. Would you cut my hair?'

Brie grinned. 'Yeah! Buzzcut?'

'Shut up, just, regular cut.' Rowan showed her a length.

'Yeah,' Brie agreed. 'Diffindo and all, it'll work just fine.'

' _Diffindo_?' Rowan growled. 'Are you insane? I don't want you to slit my throat by accident!'

'I'll be careful, I swear!'

'Or you can just use scissors!'

'Yeah,' Brie shrugged, 'but that's no fun.'

In the end, Brie ended up not cutting anything she wasn't meant to. Rowan ran a hand through her now short bob and smiled. _New year, new me_ , she thought. She looked back at the letters. She had read Hailey's and Nicki's while Brie was cutting her hair. Hailey talked about her summer in London with her parents and all the Muggle stuff she'd miss while at Hogwarts. She also apologized for shutting Rowan out when she needed it. Nicki talked about the dusty mansion her family had sent her to with her cousin, Tessa. How she missed Dunbar and how fun he made their summers.

Rowan finally picked up Trevor's. She gave it a nice Revelio just to make sure it wasn't booby-trapped but nothing happened. She eventually broke the seal. 

'Hope you'll forgive Nicki for giving me your address,' it said. 'But I thought about what you said about feeling like choosing between your parents didn't leave you much choice. My mom is moving to the USA so I'll have to live with my dad and his new fiancée. I guess we can't always have what we want.'

He went on to talk about his parents' divorce and Rowan immediately felt bad for thinking it might have been a prank. Trevor was just looking for a friendly shoulder in trying times. 

She wrote an answer to all her letters and went to the attic where Brie's owl, a Great Horned called Edgar that looked a lot like a retired grandpa with heavy brows, was sleeping. She gave him all the letters and instructions before going back to her room. 

In the corridor, she stopped in front of her parent's old room. She thought about her choice that wasn't much of a choice and how Trevor was right. We can't always have what we want. How bad could moving in with her mom and her new boyfriend be?

* * *

Her mom's new house what everything she expected of a wizarding family. A pureblood house. Finally, Hannah Fricks could have what she always wanted. Rowan hated the house. She hated the ornated staircase and she hated the floor-to-ceiling mirrors and she hated the gables and the Victorian tower. She hated how beautiful the house was when her father lived in a two bedrooms apartment. She hated her mom's goofy smile every time she looked at her new boyfriend Jim, and how she acted like everything was perfect as if Rowan's dad wasn't somewhere in the Middle East risking his life for an ideal he no longer believed in. 

She had spent most of her first week in her room. Because she had arrived before Jim's son, she had had the possibility of choosing her room. She had picked the one that had access to the Victorian tower and the small owlery on top of it. Fine, the tower was kinda cool, she didn't actually hate it.

She was laying on her bed surrounded by the stuff she'd brought from her dad's when the doorbell rang. Must be Jim's son. According to her mom, he was also attending Hogwarts but Rowan knew neither his name, age or house. Because she didn't care. She'd be out of there in two weeks, she didn't need to bond with her mom's new family. Or whatever they were pretending to be.

She reluctantly dragged herself downstairs. Her mom had left the front door open to go help Jim's son carry his things from the car or the portkey or whatever he had used to travel here. Rowan glanced outside. It was a car. A stupidly Muggle looking car. She sighed and walked to the kitchen to pour herself a glass. She eyed the alcohol bottles in the top cabinet but ended up fetching grape juice from the fridge. She spun around and almost went careening into a boy holding a cardboard box. Not just any boy. 

Jim clasped his son's shoulder on the way past him, showing him the way to his room before noticing Rowan.

'Rowan, you know Trevor, right?' He asked, blissfully unaware of the tension that had just settled on the house's lobby. 

Rowan nodded, unable to tear her eyes away from Trevor and his cardboard box and his similar shocked expression.

'That's your dad,' she said after Jim went upstairs with Trevor's suitcase.

Trevor only broke eye contact to smile at Rowan's mom as followed Jim upstairs.

'That's your mom,' he answered flatly as well.

Rowan's face twisted in a smile? Something close to a smile. She was aiming for a smile. Might have been looked really weird cause she could feel her eyebrows very much not complying. Must not have looked like a smile at all because Trevor frowned as if to say 'what's up with your face'. She laughed nervously.

'Want some grape juice?'

In the end, living with Trevor was not as bad as she thought. As long as they ignored each other, things were fine. It was only two weeks then they could go back to ignoring each other all of the time at Hogwarts. She just had to live through dinner. And also through Brandon visiting Trevor. That was going to be harder. 

She accidentally bumped into Trevor on her way out and they both scuttled away from each other, which was stupid, it wasn't going to set her on fire to touch him. Muscle memory, Rowan thought. 

'Still weird?' Trevor winced.

Rowan nodded before hurrying past him. She was fine with dealing with Trevor. Trevor and Brandon at the same time required way more energy than she had in her at the moment. She would just hang out in the garden. For the whole day. Avoiding them. 

She circled the house until she found a decent tree to lean against, enjoying the August sun on her skin. From her spot, she was invisible to the house yet still able to hear what was going on in the house. At least from the rooms whose windows were cracked open. Her mom and Jim were laughing somewhere on the first floor and Trevor and Brandon were playing video games in the living room. She didn't care much about what they were talking about, she just enjoyed the background noise.

She fished out her wand and practiced making flowers appear. If Nicki could do it, it mustn't be that hard, right? Hell, if even eleven-years-old Dunbar could do it, she probably could as well. Just one tiny flower. Didn't matter if it wasn't purple, just as long as it was a flower and she could make it appear. 

She'd managed to go unnoticed until accidentally setting a patch of grass on fire. She yelped to her feet before her dress could catch fire as well. Well, that spell had backfired. Literally.

'Aguamenti,' a voice called from behind her as a small jet of water drowned the scorched patch of grass. She spun around. Brandon Darrow was leaning on the window sill with a smug look. 

'I thought your friend was the one with the pyromaniac tendencies,' he laughed, 'the Hufflepuff, what's her name?'

'Ask Trevor, I think he remembers,' Rowan replied with a smile.

'What were you even trying to do? You know lawnmowers exist, right?'

'How about you mind your own business?'

Brandon raised his hand in defeat before turning away, his stupid smug smile not faltering. Rowan buried her face in her hands. 

'Hey,' Trevor called. 'Rowan?'

She turned around. 'What?'

'Want a beer?'

He held his own as an invitation. Rowan frowned. In what world would Trevor offer her anything?

'Oh come on,' the Ravenclaw sighed, 'we're on the same team now.'

'I don't think we are, Trevor. I don't think that just because we live together now I can forgive the shitty things you did to me.'

Trevor rolled his eyes.

'No,' Rowan cut, 'you listen to me. You bullied me. For a year. I am scared of you and what you can do to me. I don't feel safe around you. But I guess it's worth it since you get to hang out with _Brandon Darrow_.'

She stopped herself before she said anything she would regret. God, why was it always those two that managed to make her so angry all the time? She picked up her wand and left the garden in a hurry. She would not cry. Her throat hurt but she wouldn't. She ran upstairs until she found the last little corner where they wouldn't look for her and just rolled into a ball.

She stayed there until she didn't feel anything at all except back pain. It was getting late. Jim had ordered pizza and the smell alone was enough to make Rowan's stomach growl. She dragged her feet downstairs, careful to avoid the living room only to end up bumping into Trevor in the kitchen. 

'Rowan, I...' He put down the pizza he was carrying. 'I'm sorry.'

She looked into his eyes and knew he meant it. 

'I was a total douchebag. I'm really sorry. I took my anger out on you.'

'Yeah, if you wanna do that, stick to sports like a normal person, please.'

Trevor let out a laugh. 'Come on, we all know gay people can't play sports.'

They both froze. Trevor looked terrified. Rowan felt for him more than she ever had before. Somehow, it explained a lot. 

'Yeah, I know,' she smiled reassuringly, 'that's why I didn't try out for quidditch.'

A smile eased his way onto Trevor's face. Mutual recognition. 

'So, Fricks,' he leveled his head. 'Want a beer?'


	4. a primer for the small weird loves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cw for underage drinking

Trevor had always been scared. For as long as he could remember, there was always this. This gut-clenching fear. When he was eight, of this unexpected magic that made him burn curtains by accident. When he was eleven, of this school that was left standing after one of the most terrible battles of the Wizarding World. This castle full of strangers. When he was fourteen, of these feelings he couldn’t understand. These feelings that didn’t make sense. No one had ever told him about it. The burning shame next to the hungry love at the bottom of his stomach. When he was sixteen, of his parents' divorce. That they would stop loving him. And now this. This truth that he had accidentally told Rowan. This truth he had spent years trying to hide. 

And now he was sitting between Rowan and Brandon in this weird sandwich of discomfort and shitty beer, highly focused on looking at neither of them. His heartbeat was still pounding from earlier and he thought if any of them touched him right now he would implode. He took a swig of beer and tried to focus on the conversation that was happening around him.

‘No, no, no,’ Rowan was arguing, ‘Amy Dunne is not a villain, dude.’

‘She framed Nick, she killed a man,’ Brandon stated.

‘Yeah, dude, cause Nick cheated and Neil Patrick Harris turned out to be toxic as well!’

‘But did he deserve to die?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Yo, Trev,’ Brandon slapped his leg. Fuck. ‘This is your area of expertise, why are you so quiet?’

‘Uh?’ Nice Trevor, brilliant. Try a bit more words, a little more clear, dumbass.

‘Thoughts on  _ Gone Girl _ ?’ Rowan supplied.

‘Best plot twist in cinema history,’ he slurred on his words. No way he was already drunk.

‘Well, duh,’ Brandon replied. ‘Amy, villain or hero?’

He considered it. ‘Hero. She was smart enough to frame two men and she got what she wanted.’

‘She trapped Nick in an abusive relationship.’

‘His fault. He created himself a villainous wife. Look,’ Rowan fished out her phone, ‘I saw this Tumblr post…’

Trevor leaned back on the couch, letting them argue their way through the evening. Shitty beer after shitty beer. 

‘Yo, what’s up, man?’ Brandon asked him after a while. ‘You usually love this shit, why are you so quiet?’

‘I don’t know, I just… Don’t really care right now. What’s it to you?’

Brandon raised a brow.

‘Well, you used to be a highbrow cinephile stoner and now you’re just a plain loser pothead.’

‘Fuck you.’

‘Do your thing!’

Rowan frowned.

‘What’s your thing?’

Trevor sighed. He really didn’t have the brains to think of a line right now.

‘“How’s the high life?”’

Brandon blinked. ‘Dude, you gotta give us more.’

‘“Prone to narcissism, fits of mania and power failure”’

He looked up from his beer to look at Brandon. He was squinting, his eyes fixed on some distant point trying to remember, though it did look like he was trying to drill a hole in the carpet with his eyes. Don’t look at him too long, Trevor thought. He allowed himself a full second of looking at the scar on Brandon’s upper lip before looking away.

‘ _ High-Rise _ ,’ Rowan just stated before downing the rest of her beer with a face.

‘Five points for Gryffindor,’ Trevor smiled.

* * *

Around ten, Rowan left, when the intoxication level veered from fun to not fun anymore. For her. Trevor was having the time of his life. He was drunk enough so that he didn't care about anything stupid he did, but not drunk enough to do anything really really dumb. 

He'd moved from sitting on the couch to lying on the carpet, his feet propped up on the sofa, watching the TV upside down. Which was fun until it made him dizzy and he had to sit back up. He propped himself on the couch and something weirdly warm that looked a lot like an arm. A very muscular arm. What the fuck?

'When did you get ripped?'

'I don't know, last year? I'm always wearing a uniform so you can't really tell.'

Thank fuck, Trevor thought, or I wouldn't even have passing grades. 

'That's so cool...'

They were way too close. Trevor could see every detail of Brandon's face from the scar on his lip to the stupid baby hairs on his chin. Look away.

Brandon locked eyes. Look away now! Trevor felt like every movement he made took ages, he would be old and greying by the time he'd manage to full sit up. He was so drunk he felt like nothing existed except him and Brandon and this stupid patch of carpet. His heart was beating in his ears, so loud he thought it was going to explode. For once, he realised he wasn't terrified at all. Drunk Trevor was very bold. Drunk Trevor _very slowly_ leveled his head to Brandon's and kissed him. There was a lot of breathing and nose action and not really anything happening except their lips smashed together and Trevor couldn't really breathe so he pulled away.

'I'm sorry,' he said, because he really couldn't think of anything else. 'I'm sorry.'

'Trev...'

Trevor got up, as fast as he could, feeling like his brain was trying to escape through his eyes. 

'I'm sorry,' he said again, making his way to what he assumed was the door, though he couldn't see anything after getting up this fast. He didn't stop, just bumping into the table as he tried to escape as quickly as he could.

'Trevor!' Brandon called.

'I'm... I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that. I... I'm gonna go to my room.'

'Trev! Fuck. Trevor, it's okay!'

Trevor careened into the door, almost falling. 'No, it's not. I'm sorry, okay?' He took a deep breath, focused on not throwing up, and headed for his room.

'Guess I'll just sleep on the floor, then?' Brandon called from the living room. Then after a few seconds. 'Dipshit.'

Trevor had fucked up. Big time. Halfway to his room, he had to make a pit stop to the bathroom for fear of throwing up right there in the hallway. He felt so bad.

He sat in the shower for a good half hour trying not to think about how he had just royally fucked up the relationship that mattered most to him. 

When he woke up the next day, Brandon was gone.

He difficultly carried himself into the kitchen to pour himself some juice and blinked at the bright light coming from the windows. 

'Tough night?' Hannah asked him, peering over the Daily Prophet. "Scandal at Beauxbatons", the cover read.

He groaned, looking away from the moving pictures before they could make him dizzy.

'Tough morning.'

Hannah smiled. 'There's aspirin in the upstairs bathroom cabinet.' She skimmed the newspaper. 'At least you guys cleaned up, so you're good.'

Trevor stilled. He definitely hadn't cleaned, and he was pretty sure Rowan was still asleep. Which meant he owed Brandon. Fuck. He buried his head in his arms.

* * *

Brandon didn't really have anywhere to go. He expected to figure all his shit out the day after hanging out with Trevor. Now, he was just even more confused. He just needed a place to stay tonight. And the rest of the nights until September. One thing he was sure of, he couldn't go back to his father's. 

He had planned on telling Trevor, maybe asking for help. But then the evening had gone to shit and Trevor had left and he just didn't really know what to do. So he'd cleaned his mess and left.

Trevor's house wasn't that far from civilisation but the walk to the nearest town was enough to sober him up. He could call Nicki, chances that she was awake right now were high. What would he even say to her?

_Hey Nicki, I ran away from my abusive father and fucked things up with Trevor because I freaked out when he kissed me then I ran away from his place and now I need a place to crash but I don't want to be a burden, also I think I'm bisexual._

Yeah, she'll love that. But Sean wasn't coming home until the last week of August and he wasn't really on speaking terms with Hailey. And he couldn't apparate anywhere without passing the test first, and that was in April. He was just stuck in this shitty town until he decided to get over his ego and actually ask for help.

In the end, he never made it past the 'Hey Nicki' and broke down crying. Nicki sent her family's house-elf to fetch him. Turned out Slide-Along Apparition when you're drunk was the worse and he now owed the Sullivans a carpet. 

'What's up?' Nicki had asked him, padding downstairs in the disgustingly patterned pajamas he'd gotten used to seeing her in at Hogwarts and setting her tea on the table. 

'I did it, Nicki,' he smiled shakily, 'I left.'

Nicki pulled him into a tight hug and kissed his forehead, which honestly required a lot of mental strength since he had just puked and probably smelled like death and also was much taller than her.

'I'm proud of you, B-dog,' Nicki smiled back before handing him another cup of tea.

'Also Trevor kissed me.'

Nicki choked on her tea.

'Fucking finally,' she muttered before catching Brandon's expression. 'What, didn't you want to be kissed?'

'I don't know! I just, it was nice I guess? It was awkward and then Trev freaked out and I don't know. I just kinda left?'

'Wait, what? Your best friend kissed you and then freaked out and you left?'

'Well, first off, I was freaking out too.'

'Dude,' Nicki punched his arm, 'did you leave a note or something?'

'No?'

'Dude!' She punched him again. 

'Ouch, will you stop?'

'I'll stop when you'll stop being dumb! Did you want to kiss Trevor, too?'

'I don't know? Yes, I think? It seemed like a nice idea on the spot but then he freaked out, so...'

'Do you like Trevor?'

Brandon stilled for a second. 'I don't know? How do you know if you're bisexual? Cause I think I am?'

Nicki raised a brow. 'I know what you need right now. Follow me.'

Brandon frowned. 'What do I need?'

'The expertise of experienced LGBT+ gals.'

Nicki knocked on a door. After a moment, a disheveled Tessa opened it. Her hair was not the usual pink but rather a faded shade of teal. 

'What's up?' she asked, rubbing her eye.

'We need to reconvene the Sullivan-Mitchell Lesbians Society to aid a brother in need,' Nicki told her.

Tessa blinked back before noticing Brandon.

'Hey Brandon, are you a lesbian?'

'No? Do I have to be a lesbian to be part of your society?'

'Well, yes, but you also need to be a Mitchell or a Sullivan, so you were out from the start.'

'Tessa,' Nicki cut in, 'we need your help on how to figure out one's sexuality.'

'Just ask the Google 'am I gay?' and take a quiz like everyone,' Tessa said, moving to close the door.

'Come on,' Nicki pressed on, 'I'll make you cinnamon tea.'

The door cracked open.

'Okay.'

Nicki beamed and pulled Brandon into the room.

'It's Google, not the Google,' he managed to blurt out before the door closed behind him.


End file.
